THE AMERICAN DREAM
Growing up I always said I wanted kids. You know, the usual dream, get married by 22, have kids and be rich!
Then around 27 years old I figured out that I wasn’t really into kids and that maybe all of those years I was just saying that I wanted them because that’s what I was “supposed to do”.
Then Hancy comes into the picture (in a romantic way) and I was like hmmmm… do I want them? We would make cute kids…. the answer was, possibly but definitely not right now!
Flash forward 10 years and we are now both 37. In the medical field, anything over 35 is considered geriatric when trying to conceive. Needless to say, I am feeling the heat for sure. Not from anyone specifically but more from that good ‘ol biological clock. Its ticking and me and my eggs aren’t getting any younger. I get asked all the time, “When are you and Hancy going to have kids?” “ Do you want kids” OR even related, “Are you going to do another powerlifting meet?”
The answer to all of those questions is, “I don’t know.” I don’t know if its in the cards for us.
THE DREADED BIRTH CONTROL
In the beginning of 2015 I got off birth control. I had been on it for 17 years! At that time, we weren’t trying to have kids but I had heard of people getting off the pill and not getting their period for a long time. Me being the planner that I am, I figured I might as well get off to give my body time to get back to normal in case we wanted to have kids in the future.
I was right. It took my body 10 months to get my flow back. 10 months! It took about another year just to get semi consistent and predictable.
HEARTS ARE THAWING
Flash Forward, two years to March of 2017 and Hancy and I’s hearts have been thawed out by our friends kid, TC3. He had been working on us for a year or so and we finally decided, lets not play roulette anymore, let’s actually start trying. Easier said than done.
9 months later, I go to the OB/GYN to talk to him (again) and have some blood work done. He puts me on a pill called clomid to make my cycles more regular and also has Hancy tested. In addition, he gives me a recommendation for this Clearblue Easy Ovulation machine (click here to view/buy) that is a more accurate (and more expensive) machine to track ovulation so that I have a better gauge of when I am really ovulating. (click here for the testing sticks that go with it)
I ended up taking clomid for 6 months, stopped drinking during this time to really give it the good ‘ol college try and still nothing. Man this is getting annoying!
“You spend your whole life trying NOT to get pregnant and then when you actually want to… you can’t!”
SD FERTILITY CENTER
Come June, it was time to see a specialist and stop jacking around with the OB/GYN. The Fertility Specialist wanted another who round of blood tests and while everything was “normal” some tests weren’t in the range that they want to see when trying to get pregnant. Enter 10 supplements (4 are just regular, add another 6 if you’re “geriatric” and older than 35 – see image below) and thyroid medication. Thyroid medication really?! I am little! How can my thyroid be under active?
Next up was the HSG test (hysterosalpingogram) to see if my tubes were open. I spent a couple hundred on that test and found out that they are wide open! (this is good, but now we still don’t have an answer as to why I am not getting pregnant).
All of these months that pass is another month of hope that this will be the month. NOPE.
ACUPUNCTURE, NO ALCOHOL, LIFTING, COFFEE, GUM or LIFE
It’s time to start thinking outside of the box. I hear that acupuncture is good for people trying to get pregnant so I start going. I hear lifting weights is bad (not from anyone in the medical field). I hear stop drinking. I hear don’t drink coffee. I hear sugarless gum is bad for you. I hear so many different things so I try them all.
I lay off the booze, the coffee, the lifting. I actually missed a National Powerlifting competition because I didn’t want to “stress my body” just in case that could be the reason. I religiously take thyroid meds and the ovulation test every morning. Still nothing.
IF CRACKHEADS CAN DO IT….
Tell me something. How do all of these crackheads, victims, 16 year old girls and condom mishaps get pregnant when it literally can happen like 2 days out of the month?! My brother in law just looks at my sister and she gets pregnant…. what is wrong with me?! I am tracking my ovulation, living a healthy lifestyle and shooting what needs to go up there at literally the right moment and NOTHING. I. don’t. get. it.
After numerous talks and tests with the Fertility specialist, we came to the conclusion that the next step is IVF. IVF that costs 21,000-31,000 (yes, thousand) for one round and isn’t guaranteed. IVF where I have to stab myself in the abdomen with needles (I don’t even like needles!) daily to give myself the hormones my body needs for the treatment. *according to the clinic IVF has a 70% success rate, but no mention of how many rounds that entails*
DO I REALLY WANT THIS THAT BAD?
AM I PLAYING GOD IF I DO THIS?
IS IT MEANT TO BE??
The answers to those questions are all… I don’t know.
I think the answer at this point in time, is no. No, I don’t want to pay 21k (at the very least) for pain, heartache and the possibility that it won’t even work. At this point I am more than fine with the life I live with my husband. However, what about in 5 years when I am 42? How will I feel then? What will my already decreasing egg quality look like then? That’s what I am scared of. The thought that what I have now might not be enough for me in a few years time and then it will really be too late.
SO NOW WHAT??
Right now I am at the point of utter and complete frustration. I am sick of altering my life. Not planning trips, trying to limit drinking, limiting exercise, taking thyroid medicine daily, taking 10 supplements (2x day), peeing on a stick every morning, timing sex so that it’s more of a to-do list item than spontaneous and fun. I am over it.
I am slowly getting back to my normal life and as the supplements run out I am probably going to stop taking them. I need to decide if I will keep up with the ovulation tests and continue to “try”. The struggle is real folks.
INFERTILITY IS COMMON
Over the past 20 months, I have told some people what Hancy and I were going through. Surprisingly enough, many of them were actually going through the same thing or had in the past. Unfortunately, infertility is a problem many women face, but not many voice out loud. It took me a while to actually write about this topic, but in the end I think that others need to hear my story. They need to know that they are not alone and that others have the same struggles.