“It’s the emptiest and yet the fullest of all human messages: ‘Good-bye.’” ―Kurt Vonnegut
My grandmother is not doing well. Apparently there is nothing anyone can do and they are just trying to “make her comfortable” till the end. I just spoke with her on the phone and I don’t know how to say goodbye and tell her all the things I want to tell her without acting like she is already gone.
SAYING GOODBYE
I struggled with the same thing the last time I spoke with my uncle. He was battling cancer and when I spoke with him he didn’t have his death papers signed but I had a feeling that it might be the last time I spoke with him. I wanted to tell him so many things. I wanted to tell him that he was the best uncle growing up. That he always looked out for me and made me laugh (and scared sometimes – Gaulin’s have a way of reacting instead of responding all through gritted teeth, then 2 minutes later we are all soft and trying to backtrack LOL). That he never made me feel out of place at the dinner table when I didn’t want to eat whatever everyone was eating (I was extremely picky). That his “dance moves” are still burned into my memory. I wanted to tell him that he was a such a loving and supportive uncle, father and husband. That he was loyal to a fault and that everyone knew and appreciated all of the sacrifices he made for his family. But I couldn’t. Instead, I just told him that I loved him and hoped that he heard all of the things I couldn’t say.
MY GRAM
So when my grandma called me today (by way of my sister) to tell me that she was “feeling better”, once again, I wanted to spill all of my thoughts but I couldn’t. How do I tell someone who is still living and fighting that I think this might be my last chance to tell them how much I appreciate and love them?
How do I tell them thank you for teaching me the value of a dollar. Thank you for teaching me to be frugal some places so that you can spend it others. Hell, to pick the mold off the bread and just eat what’s left so that you have some money to travel to China, Alaska, or anywhere in the world. Thank you, for tricking me into eating that Lender’s onion bagel that day because it made me realize that there were so many other things I said I didn’t like that I probably did! Thank you for crushing up my pills in orange juice so that I could swallow them without gagging and crying. Thank you for being a workhorse and showing us that we don’t need to rely on anyone but ourselves. Thank you for being a tough but loving grandma who taught me how to be a strong independent woman but one who could also dote on their husband/family after a long day at work.
It’s impossible. I couldn’t do it. Instead I said, “you know that I love you, right gram?”
REDMAN
Less than a year ago I got the call while I was en route to Australia that Red, my late grandma’s boyfriend was in hospice. Now Red wasn’t technically my grandfather by blood but he had been in my life and a grandfather figure since I was about 7 years old. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I had spoken to him a couple weeks before and told him I loved him before hanging up but did I say it enough? Did he truly hear me? I called him from one of our layovers in Australia but he was sleeping so the nurses wouldn’t let me speak to him. I cried in the airport. I tried again later that night and made them put the cell phone to his ear. I yelled through tears, I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU RED! He couldn’t speak back but I hope and prayed that he knew how much he meant to me. How much it meant to me that he cared for my grandmother all those years. How much his comic relief brightened my day. How his love for Jerry Springer and other white trash television warmed my heart. I hope he heard me. I hope he knew.
UNSPOKEN WORDS
This past year has been rough with multiple close family members passing. It’s been tough and even more so because I am on the West Coast. I am not there to say goodbye and look into their eyes and tell them how much they meant to me. I know deep down that they know, but it still doesn’t make it any easier. So as I write this, I sob and I hope that I have done enough over the years to let the people who mean the most to me know that I love them and I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without their love and guidance.
i dont why i found you site through a dream i hade last night .
wow. i love it. not sure what the dream was about but it was meant to be. hope all is well
Hi Brie,
I’m sure your Gram knows how much you love her. Just being with her, holding her hand will be a comfort for your Gram and yourself. Prayers for your Gram and thinking of you.
Thank you Linda! unfortunately I live all the way across the country but I did get to see her at christmas. Trying to see if I can fly back anyday now.
That was absolutely Beautiful , Brie ! And I think you SHOULD tell her all of that stuff! She would be very touched by all your heartfelt memories with her. And if you feel you will be too emotional to say it to her without falling apart… Write her a letter that someone can read to her. It will make her smile for sure and give her a few laughs too , remembering all she did with you. Tell her you never got to tell Uncle Joe all the things you wanted to because you thought you would see him again… But tomorrow is promised to no-one. .. (We almost lost you in that bike accident…) You just want her to know everything you feel now!
My sister wrote a beautiful tribute to My dad… “Goodol” and read it to him on one of his birthdays. He laughed and said “Am I Dying?” she said No! I just want you to know how I feel now! I Dont want to wait till something DOES happens and I am reading it to everybody else. I want YOU to hear how I feel about you NOW!
He got up from the table , with tears in his eyes and walked over and gave her a big hug !❤
Tell her Brie.
Love you Baby Girl! Xoxo Momma When❤🐭
thank you! and you have me laughing about Good Ol! LOL
Love you and thanks for sharing! xo
Brie,
Bawling my eyes out. Beautifully said. I never want to wait. You should tell her of course she will laugh at the frugality. My favorite Barbara comment was when I was getting married. “Keep your husband’s ass dragging so he can’t pick it up and take it someplace else” 😂😂❤❤
I love you and you are an amazing woman.
ahahahaha, sounds like Barbara! love you more!
Beautifully said Brie! You have touched my heart and I thank you for that today! I am sure your loved ones know how much they mean to you and your actions thru out your life have showed them time and time again. You have a way of letting people know how much they are loved!
M
Thank you Maryann! You as well. xoxo
Breezy, your family is strong. Gramma G bred a good batch. She should know who she was to us. She should hear you. Love you…
love you! xo